6th Oct 2007 - Emotions

Over the past few days since I last wrote an entry in my blog, I tried cooking various meals. Gosh, my fried rice experiment was horrendous, the rice was bland despite the generous garnishing of prawns, sausages, shallots, garlic, onions, chilli, eggs etc. I even had problem cooking rice, I had to keep adding water to it and making sure it doesn’t dry up. It was quite embarrassing when my flat mate who’s half American/British told me he found it surprising that I couldn’t cook rice. Well, basically its underlying meaning is that Asians tend to eat much rice and for an Asian not to cook rice is kind of like a joke. I tried cooking Aglio Olio pasta as well. It was much better than my fried rice, but still not as nice as my cream pasta.

Speaking of food, I had a formal dinner last night. The attire’s the same as matriculation, a gown worn over a suit. It was a 3 course meal which I thought the appetizer tasted the nicest. I’m not sure what it is exactly as it’s the first time I tried it. The main course was chicken with some mushroom sauce, plus side veggies and potatoes. I seriously cannot comprehend how these Caucasians can stomach so much carbohydrate! Don’t they get tired of it? Guess not… The chicken wasn’t that good, but can’t really complain since it’s “free”. We didn’t have to pay for it, but it should be included into our hostel fees. Nothing is ever free in UK, maybe toilet paper? Haha, dessert was not too bad but was a tat too sweet for my liking. It was chocolate mousse cake I reckon. The setting for the dinner was quite nicely laid out. It was like in a restaurant and there was a “high” table in which all the important members of the college were being seated at. When they entered, we had to stand and when they left, the same applied. It’s really Harry Potter-ish except for the venue, if only it was in the castle! After the meal, there was entertainment in our bar/lounge. Think it was some Scottish dance and music and they were gathering people to dance along to the tune of it. Quite interesting I must say.

After hanging about the bar for a while, I went for a walk with a friend. Durham’s really safe at night. The number of policemen and vehicles in town were overwhelming. I think it’s because the only night entertainment is going to a restaurant/pub/club so you’re bound to drink. Though I’ve been out at night before with my friends, but it’s usually to chill out, I don’t really pay much attention to the surroundings. However, last night, I brought my friend to look at some marvelous scenery. Durham’s really pretty and majestic at night, and though I appeared to know the place inside out to my friend, I was pretty awed by the sight of the Cathedral and Castle at night. I was pleasantly surprised myself. On the way back, my crazy friend felt cold and wanted to run. Imagine running with our coats, it’s so unglamorous, so I told her we would only run when there’s no one around! Whenever I see people walking in our direction, I would tell her “remember we have to maintain our image!” When we got back, it was already midnight, didn’t realize that we were walking for an hour and half.

To think of it, although Durham’s one of UK’s top 10 university, I think, during matriculation, the vice-Chancellor kept bringing up Cambridge and Oxford as though there’s some rivalry. Well, I supposed there is, but pardon me for this, the whole world knows the above mentioned but not Durham University. I was amused that he had to speak of Durham University’s heritage and history, how it used to tower over Oxford and Cambridge. He also included the fact that Durham University was better in sports etc. Maybe he mentioned it to make the students feel proud of being in Durham, but I felt there wasn’t a need to talk about the past as it’s the present and future that matters.

My lectures began this week, and it wasn’t too good. I have to revise as I forgotten some 1st and 2nd year stuff. I had a Chinese (PRC) lecturer for a management module and it’s was quite hard to keep up with her as her spoken English wasn’t too good. Besides that, she wasn’t the least interesting and to make us pay attention, she omitted certain powerpoint slides in our notes so that we have to copy them while she’s flashing them on screen. The ridiculous thing was, she left out 2 pie charts and we actually had to draw them out. It doesn’t really make sense, does it? On my way back from lecture, it got me thinking, do I join the rest of the students in ridiculing her because of her English just so to fit in with the crowd or do I try to be empathetic towards her since I know what it feels like to be alone in a foreign country. It’s like a moral dilemma in a certain sense…

Today, I had a wonderful day. I spent my morning and early afternoon with a friend shopping in town in addition to buying groceries. I tasted my 1st good dose of chocolate here in Durham as well as in the UK. It was nice, after not pampering myself for such a long time. Haha, a month isn’t exactly a very long time, but when you’re abroad, you seem to lose notion of time. A point to note for girls, do NOT wear boots when you intend to do grocery shopping! Haha, you will end up whining that your feet are hurting because the pavements overseas aren’t always flat. Furthermore, you’re going to be carrying lots of stuff, so it’s not advisable to do so. You can try if you want to, but don’t say I didn’t warn you =P I went for my 1st hockey training today which turned out to be rather good. I thought that I would be embarrassed since I haven’t played hockey actively for 5 years since I entered the Army. Thankfully, I didn’t have to suffer the ordeal of being made a laughing stock. Time to count my lucky stars…

I have been feeling emotional over the past few days. Much of what I’ve experienced as a person has been bottled up within the depths of my heart. Coming over to UK did not in the slightest sense stir the emotions that lay deep within. For the past 3 weeks or so, I was merely living life on a daily basis, for the feelings that I experienced since arriving in the UK were those of loneliness and solitude. It’s hard to describe it all in words, but life was fine after I gotten used to living in UK and learnt cooking. My food doesn’t taste fantastic but it’s still edible. I remembered when I was young, I used to say eat-able. Funny isn’t it, how time flies without one realizing it. Someone actually managed to evoke all the feelings that were concealed in my heart, feelings of disappointment, betrayal and of being taken advantage of. It’s not that she did anything towards me, but somehow, through her questions and replies, these feelings started to diffuse slowly towards the surface and it made me felt very emotional. I started to think, “why am I feeling all these now”, to which I have no answer to, as of now. Perhaps, subconsciously, it’s because I don’t want to be bothered by my past so I rather appear as a jovial/easy-going/happy-go-lucky person to others as well as to concoct an outer-shell portraying me as a person who isn’t serious and just talks crap, as well as being sarcastic (Haha, I added being sarcastic for someone), without a worry in the world. While I’m typing this, time just ticks away silently, without waiting for anyone and myself still being unable to conceive my feelings. Would time give me an answer in time to come, perchance?